Sober Thoughts

Then he said, "love. I love you". When I asked him "what do you want?", I meant for later. For what he wanna do after, if he needs me to walk him back to his room or whatever. But that was his answer. And it haunts me.

Ofcourse, nothing was remembered the morning after. Everything was back to normal and everyone functions just fine. I wanna talk about the things that happened, the words I recall. But I would just appear like I was making things up because I'm the only one who remembers. And it felt so bad.

Months past and the moment was categorically forgotten as the memories that were made after deny what was said. I tried to relive that night by implying thoughts over and over. But no one can ever relate; he acted so cool. And I was a fool.

My greatest hang up was not ever responding. I regret not telling him somehow. "But I love you more." And now I'm nothing but bitter.

Epiphany

There are weird things. There are unacceptable things that make me feel weird about illogical matters. There's this guy and he bothers me.

There's this guy, I wouldn't say a friend but we were quite inseparable for a time when it required us to be, and I am now so bitter about him. For a month now, I have been regretting everything we did together and the moments we shared. I thought I didn't know why. But then, just now, I realized the reason. He's the only guy I imagined myself getting married with. Several times I had dreamed of actualizing my life-long fantasy with him. Walking down the aisle, delivering adlib weddings vows and all. And so mamy times I convinced myself it was as it should be. So weird considering that we really don't have any sort of personal relationship.

So weird thinking that I secretly despise him for having different beliefs on love and on forever; curse him for belittling my wedding goals. He was not even the guy who would care about any of my sentiments. He was not even the kind of person I would want to care about me at all.

He was not even the one I was seriously obsessed with for the last year. I never even gave a thought about whatever we are to each other. I never really thought of him at all. But I saw myself marrying him someday. Something I never thought I would do with anyone I ever loved--considering that it IS the end goal. He stole my childhood and the life ahead of me.

He stole my heart without me even knowing and I'm still hurting.

Just like that

My sister has always told me that friends can be lovers but it is never possible the other way around. I have experienced it myself and I felt that losing the friendship is not worth it. So after my first love, I have conveniently pushed every prospect to the friendzone. Bitterness.
Just recently, though, I reconsidered my beliefs. I thought that someone is finally worth giving it a shot. He's after all the greatest friend I ever have. We get along so well: our fear of God, passion for food, ways of self-expression, road & sound-tripping, movies and books preferences--we're always on the same page. indeed it was good while it lasted.
We never had a big disagreement--which indicated that something's wrong since in the very first place quarreling resemble normalcy--and I'm very proud that no one came between us. Despite the seemingly boring relationship, we managed to stay healthy. In fact, we planned our lives together in the range of years--even beyond college graduation--and we actually succeeded in the first few months. Together we familiarized with the places we haven't been to, tried the food we couldn't usually afford, seen almost every movie shown and have coffee after pizza.
Yet our daily excitement of being together had died down eventually. During the days when I noticed that we're no longer talking and walking as frequent as before, I only assumed that we were not able to stand the test of time. Although I'm upset that I just haven't heard of him all of the sudden, I'm grateful that there's no painful ending for us. Anyway, we still communicate although I'm no longer tagged in his every post and the regular posts are no more. I may only get to see him a little less than occasionally but I'm sure we're still friends.
But that was then and I don't think that it is still so now. Looking back, I found the reasons that we're still friends: 'cause we have always been. We're friends now because we never really left that state; we were never lovers. For a moment there we were like brother and sister dating. I just realized that I'm not hurt nor bitter because he never weakened my knees to begin with. We thought we're perfect but we barely had the spark. I never hid under the table on his presence and nothing happened to my moods at the mention of his name. Well, knowing he's around used to make me smile but my heart won't skip a bit when he approach. Unlike my first love whom I'm so bitter about that I haven't said his name in years.
I loved them both but they're not the same. Common denominator, though, both are not meant to be.

Read between the lines.

You were sitting on the floor and you saw some friends walking toward you. No they’re not approaching you, they were coming your way because that’s their way. In fact, they were even surprised to spot you there. So were you, you were so shocked to see them together. They were never that close, you said to yourself. A wave of unfamiliar emotions possessed your body. For a moment there you were distracted; no, you were devastated.

It’s just a self-inflicted pain. An agony I’m just creating in my head. Contemplating sometimes worsen the situation. It only helps not you but the devil that ruins your spirit. You’ll eventually come up with the concept of ‘betrayal,’ which, since you were way too fragile at that point, a deception that provoked you. And when you realized it, you can no longer get a hold of your anger, your jealousy, your pain.

If everything is just in my mind, why can’t I control it?  You try to loosen up by attempting to explain everything. However, it’s not about figuring out how your brain is translating what was perceived and dealing with your impulses.. It’s a matter of the heart—that stupid something that hit you after your optic nerves delivered the actual scene into you.

There’s a pain in expecting, thinking you’re special. Sometimes even if you are indeed special, it does not automatically follows that you have the right to expect anything from anyone. Because being special doesn’t always mean being valued, nor does it entail getting exceptional treatment. Though looking back you know you did have all of these. And yet all of the sudden you’ll see this. You’re caught in between thinking if everything has changed or if you were living a lie.

For the meantime, let time serve its purpose.

He nodded to you. You smiled back, “hey.” She waved good bye. 

Say it isn’t so.

No, I never had a boyfriend.  We had something special, maybe. You cared, probably. We were in love, really???

It’s indeed exciting to look ahead. But if you’re looking back, it’s so stupid that you even want to deny you’ve been there. Too bad, forgetting will never be as easy as tearing a page in your book.

I always charge everything to experience until I realize that not all the things I’ve been through can be justified by that reasoning. There comes a time when something would turn out to be nothing that’s worth anything. But I’ve experienced it anyway.

Who would have thought I’ll give you a big deal? I just used to laugh off the matters related to you. Lucky you when I did that. More often than not, I barely cared.

Either way, we’re friends. Normally, we come across each other. Eventually, we’ve been…together?

I can’t really come up with an appropriate term for us. I don’t even have the guts to mention your name. It’s too strange that I can’t believe I’m even talking about this.

Obviously you’re occupying my mind now. Scenes from our moments together are rerunning in my head. At the same time, I’m hearing our favorite song. How could I be missing you like this?

You’re nothing but I spoiled brat; definitely not someone I would want to have a conversation with. You hardly make sense and you’re so conceited. All you’re good at is getting what you want. Which makes me wonder, am I a part of it? See, you got me.

Funny, I always hated how you treated me: you never failed to make me feel terrible; but you knew how to make my day.  Plus you always proved me wrong. You may not know everything at least you’re right about me—all the time. No doubt, you’ll get a perfect score in a quiz about me…

We’re everything I’ve never planned, though everyone expected. This has brought a burden already, but I knew this was God’s answer to my prayers.

I’ll move on, but I’ll never let you go. I’ll keep you forever as a memory and I’ll try never to regard you as a lesson learned. However, for our sake, I’ve to deny that I’m missing you. J

Okay, I love you. No big deal.

This feeling did not really start after I wrote on a friend’s wall. I already got this before; I just ignored it all along. Perhaps, I knew better than to take it seriously. But now is the time to consider it.

I’m almost convinced that I do not understand what “I love you” means. Not that I’m still innocent about the L word, I just can’t use ILY appropriately.  I mention that phrase as often as I use interjections at the end of my sentences.  That makes the essence of the phrase more or less and most of the time out of the context.

I remember back in high school, someone fell for me because of my constant ILYs to him. It came without a warning to me. I mean, it was just my grateful expression for him being so nice to me!

But it seemed like I never learned from that experience. I continued using it like it’s another term for ‘thank you.’ I would say it with a bear hug after my request was granted by someone or whenever a friend did me a favor.

Likewise, there are times that I just bring it up as if my statement will be grammatically incorrect without it. Like what I did a few moments ago. I was having a wall-to-wall conversation with a friend and I unconsciously typed an ILY to my last post.  That was because I was impressed by the way he’s reacting to my posts.

But then I logged out for I instantly felt guilty. Not because I’m afraid that that friend will fall for me (because I doubt if he would), it’s just that he may be sensitive to such words and I’m not observing it. Or maybe, I’m starting to realize how awkward it is to always say those words when you’re not so sincere.  You see, even if that friend is one of my favorite persons on earth, I’m not sure if he deserves an ILY from the bottom of my heart.

What’s even stupid is that I give a million ILYs to anyone all the time and yet I hardly express it to the ones I can’t really live without.  Precisely the reason I quitted FB’ing that moment. I felt like I’m being unfair  posting ILY to a friend while  my siblings are online and I won’t even  tell them I’m missing them.

Alright I’m guilty, but I still find it disgusting hearing the exchange of ILYs at home. Whenever it comes out from the mouth of either of my parents, I get this silly feeling of wanting to throw up. Actually, it gives me mixed emotions:  the weird overwhelming sensation of being “touched” and the ever irritating awareness of being pestered. Either way, I’m not comfortable.

Probably, I’m just not used to it. And misusing it is my defense mechanism for missing its real meaning. Or whatever it may be, I don’t really see it as a big deal—at least for now.