This feeling did not really start after I wrote on a friend’s wall. I already got this before; I just ignored it all along. Perhaps, I knew better than to take it seriously. But now is the time to consider it.
I’m almost convinced that I do not understand what “I love you” means. Not that I’m still innocent about the L word, I just can’t use ILY appropriately. I mention that phrase as often as I use interjections at the end of my sentences. That makes the essence of the phrase more or less and most of the time out of the context.
I remember back in high school, someone fell for me because of my constant ILYs to him. It came without a warning to me. I mean, it was just my grateful expression for him being so nice to me!
But it seemed like I never learned from that experience. I continued using it like it’s another term for ‘thank you.’ I would say it with a bear hug after my request was granted by someone or whenever a friend did me a favor.
Likewise, there are times that I just bring it up as if my statement will be grammatically incorrect without it. Like what I did a few moments ago. I was having a wall-to-wall conversation with a friend and I unconsciously typed an ILY to my last post. That was because I was impressed by the way he’s reacting to my posts.
But then I logged out for I instantly felt guilty. Not because I’m afraid that that friend will fall for me (because I doubt if he would), it’s just that he may be sensitive to such words and I’m not observing it. Or maybe, I’m starting to realize how awkward it is to always say those words when you’re not so sincere. You see, even if that friend is one of my favorite persons on earth, I’m not sure if he deserves an ILY from the bottom of my heart.
What’s even stupid is that I give a million ILYs to anyone all the time and yet I hardly express it to the ones I can’t really live without. Precisely the reason I quitted FB’ing that moment. I felt like I’m being unfair posting ILY to a friend while my siblings are online and I won’t even tell them I’m missing them.
Alright I’m guilty, but I still find it disgusting hearing the exchange of ILYs at home. Whenever it comes out from the mouth of either of my parents, I get this silly feeling of wanting to throw up. Actually, it gives me mixed emotions: the weird overwhelming sensation of being “touched” and the ever irritating awareness of being pestered. Either way, I’m not comfortable.
Probably, I’m just not used to it. And misusing it is my defense mechanism for missing its real meaning. Or whatever it may be, I don’t really see it as a big deal—at least for now.
